You Never Miss It Until It’s Gone

Last night, I found myself.

It was probably the most difficult and most heartbreaking experience I have ever had to endure that left me not only speechless and cold, but far removed from what my priorites were and the true faith that has kept be above water for such a long time. The experience wasn’t a foreign language or unfamiliar to the touch, but the potential damage to who I am as a person, could have left me unrepairable, immobilized, and stuck in a dark place where perhaps even my own connection with myself…well, I won’t go on but what I will say is that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being such a selfish prick in forgetting about our priorities and I’m sorry for being the guy who only thinks of what’s important to him in spite of all the great things surrounding him. I’m sorry for not trusting you and automatically putting in you in a shell and I’m sorry for not giving you the benefit of the doubt when you most needed it. I’m also sorry for allowing you to think that my friendship with you is transparent and of the “here today, gone tomorrow” mindset.

If it were not for y0u, I wouldn’t understand the truth in friendship because in my own stupidity, I trampled on your trust and your faith and for that, I can only say I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for making the mistake in thinking for you when I should have been a better listener and allowed you to speak for yourself. I’m sorry for taking a minor infraction in our friendship and using that as an excuse to bail on what we worked so hard for. I’m sorry for taking our friendship for granite and if anything, I only ask for your forgiveness and in our new start, we’ll be a much stronger and formidable team because we have each other.

This I swear to you. 

I’m sorry for making both of us mixed up with sadness and anger and thinking that things we indeed your fault, and for making us come to a point where the conversations are trivial and heartless and without the soul that we are used to. I’m sorry for taking advatantage of your vulnerabilities and in your softness because Lord knows deep inside, I was even further removed from what our mission is as friends. I’m sorry for not trusting you to trust us, and I know in my heart that our friendship was never built on quicksand and for this, I only think of what I could have lost if this road continued for me.

I’m sorry for just being stupid and not recognizing the layering we have as friends and the connection we have created these years and truly, truly, truly, you are by far the best thing that has happened to me as a friend. You must belive that in spite of our situation. I’m sorry for being sorry because we shouldn’t have that conversation last night and I shouldn’t have tried to avoid talking with you and we should have hugged that night we argued instead of opening the door and not looking back. This is who we are and this is what we should have fought for.

I’m sorry for being a jerk and making you feel like you have to change because we have never made our friendship like that, and we probably have more freedom in our friendship than perhaps the United States of America has. It’s dear to me and I don’t want us to make amends for something so special and so right for us. I’m sorry for questioning your judgement and for making you feel small and not worthy. It is I who is not worthy to be your friend and in saying that, I will make a solemn pledge to you that my connection to you will go unwavered from this moment on.

I love you, and I’m sorry for not being the Mike Davis that has always loved you.

M.C. Davis

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Gobble Gobble!

Some say that the best times with good friends usually include either a beverage, a dish, or perhaps both. I believe in the simple logic in how friendships start and ultimately become intrinsically metamorphic. In my own experiences, the art of friendship has ultimately nothing to do with the characters involved but instead how much investment is made at the most vulnerable times. The moody swings of how we endure life often is softened by the reminder that we are not alone and that our friendships with loved ones provide much more realism as to why we are here and what we are supposed to do within our decisions.

I was reminded of this on Turkey Day.

As we sat around an intimate and dimly lit table, I suddenly realized that my life, for what it’s worth, is very simple and my relationships are vibrant and full of the strangest characteristics. The soulful food prepared by warm and genuine hands, the drinks carefully poured into eager glasses, and the stories and connections by far made more sense yesterday than perhaps my entire life’s worth of sharing with friends. Now, and before I get too ahead of myself, my friends are deep and wide and by no means do I mean to sound like my friends during this particular Thanksgiving dinner made the top pick of my litter. My dear friend Laura mentioned that I am a “collector of friends” and what sounded like I only enjoy the numbers game, she clarified.

“Mike,” she said, “you collect friends the same way a coin collector collects rare coins, or an archeologist seeks out fossilized bones.” You enjoy the rarest and most qualified of friendships and to be honest, I’m proud to have you as a friend.”

Darn, where was she when I was not paying all of my bills on time and avoiding phone calls from creditors or losing connections left and right with solid people over my own inadequacies; or better yet, finding myself becoming a recluse and spending too much time online looking for love in all the wrong places. Where was she when I was fighting with my parents over my own internal issues, or joining the Navy just to leave a bruised and shattered home life, or perhaps when my mind was into too much darkness and forcibly and irrevocably leading me down a suicidal path.

Yes, where was she back then?

Having said that, I will say that my life yesterday meant so much in the sense of how I take in each day and how my own perspective changes with each person that changes or influences my life. Yesterday’s dinner (and subsequent nap), made me feel solid and within my own periphery of what is real good for me.

Thank you Dave, OD, Jen, and Troy for making me feel like my progress in life is something to be envied and if anything, a life to be lifted up and shared for the willing.

M.C. Davis

La La La!

…there are too many answers for so few questions.

This week-end was extremely fruitful: spent some quality time with my friends moving crap from one location to another; followed by an awesome catered dinner for one of our friends; and even took a road trip to IKEA which, by the way, ended up with just a few items that fit snugly inside a 5-cent bag. Usually, IKEA items require a snug fit inside the Land Rover so a small bag is quite the step. Also, in the process of cleaning out the studio and making room for the new tenant.

I did some thinking while I was hanging with my friends and if anything, I realized that my new life in DC will definitely keep me busy to the point of finding a smooth place within DC’s traffic, stereotypes, and crime stats. This week-end we are heading back down to DC to look at more properties and hopefully this week-end will make us new home owners.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s wise to keep this housing search in a forever status because my mind will slowly drift into oblivion, and that won’t be pretty…

Oh well, life is still awesome and I am looking forward to stepping it up a notch with a new dynamic career coupled with a new life for my family and friends.

M.C. Davis

The Realtor From Hades!

…actually, I don’t know where he was from but what I do know that he wasn’t from any place that resembled any use of oxygen!

First off, DC is pretty impressive anyway so to have the tailored tourist version of city is at best overkill. So, what happens in the beginning: a tailored tourist version of the city (of course, from the realtor’s perspective…) So, in order to waste more of my time, he then begins to tell me about the buying and selling process and this is after I told him that my home in Portland as well as our rental in Portland proves at least we have a clue as to how to buy and what to buy in dynamic market.

But no, he continues and I patiently stand by waiting for the paint to dry on the walls.

He stops to take a breath and then I notice that my break is now or never. I interject and prove through my suaveness that I too eat regularly from the cake of common sense. He stops then realizes for the first time that he has not only wasted my time by explaining what a house is but he also realizes that time is indeed of the essence.

So, to make a longer story longer, we continued down the path of wasting time until an hour later we depart from Bethesda, MD to the heart of Washington, DC–which is where ideally we would like to live.  Without going into too much endless detail, we visited several places along the way and if anything, I  gained some great perspective as to what neighborhoods grab my immediate attention or which neighborhoods scare the heck out of me. In either case, we found ourselves hungry in the afternoon and sat down for a stint of a typical DC culinary experience.

1 minute…
2 minutes…
3 minutes…
4 minutes…
5 minutes…

A whole five minutes passes by and he mentions that he has to go to his office to sign a document, email another document, fax some more paperwork, and yes, meet with another client who by the way, is already there waiting for me. Don’t forget, we just sat down…

WTF?

So, he immediately pays for the meal, asks me if I wanted anything else from the menu, and then skirts off to his office leaving me with just two bites of my meal and still chewing. He tells me that he’ll return once he finishes his business at the office so try to eat slowly and he’ll catch up with our discussion of the day so far when he returns. I eat my food (slowly of course) then after 30 minutes, I realize that his return wasn’t happening anytime soon so, like the gentleman that I am, I finished my meal and left the table. Luckily for him, he arrived soon afterwards and met me on the street. He apologized of course but then again, wouldn’t anyone apologize for such an experience?

Such drama…

The day was beautiful which made the experience bearable but in the end, we found a great location and a great neighborhood so perhaps the overall condition of the realtor is irrelevant. It was a fun experience and because my temperament doesn’t equate to the Incredible Hulk, I think his lifestyle, as well as my own, was left unscathed.

More to come I’m sure…

M.C. Davis

There’s No Place Like Home, There’s No Place Like Home…

well, for a small sum of money, home can be anywhere you like.

This week-end I am off to DC to accomplish a few goals. One, of which, is to find a home for the next 5 years. Since my acceptance into that “special” program, the clock has started to tick. So, with only my pad and pencil, cool metro eyeglasses with the matching scarf, I am off to met the cyber-realtor I’ve been emailing and speaking with for the past month.

Other than that, typical day at work dealing and un-dealing bad deals that worked out at one point but no longer contain their value. We spent most of the morning discussing non-issues that perhaps make sense for one of us but most of us sat around thinking why should I speak. Nonetheless, and for fear of groupthink lurking it’s ugly head, we all spoke up against the stupidity taking place and made it our business to get home as early as possible.

Now, I am sitting in Manchester’s lovely airport and thinking how a delay would affect my evening. Of course, there is a delay (as expected) but who’s counting and I’m sure my short one hour trip to BWI will come with a huge cost of delay after delay after delay.

(Might be quicker to walk from Portland to BWI?)

Anyway, I am off and my laptop battery, for once in its life, is almost dead. Of course, this airport is like a few dimes short of a hen house when it comes to outlets.

I’m out.

M.C. Davis

Talking With Chuck…

…well, that’s at least what my friend Portia Jenkins said in the 7th grade when she talked about giving out blow jobs to older guys way past middle school or even our area code.

But, I digress.

Today, in between scanning customers at Panera and writing endlessly about creative outlets for strategic organizations, I ran into Chuck. He’s all of 20 years old but talking to him made me stop thinking and start listening. I mean, his character was stunning and in hearing his life story, it was like watching a movie so surreal that you almost forget you are watching a movie. We talked for just a few moments because we already had a previous connection (he works at Panera) but today was the first day we had a chance to say more than a few cursory words to each other. In either case, it felt good to hear his story and it made my life in Maine thus far feel validated in how the energy, the love, and the connection felt between my own life and the lives I affect.

Talking with Chuck, and how he used to live behind the Hannaford’s for 4 years and had to live off simple means with no connection to family or strong friendships, made me feel like I need to thank the people in my life for how they affect my life. Talking with Chuck, and how he had to fight off the mother’s boyfriend who was jealous of his connection with his mother, made me think how lucky I am to have a mother who tells me she loves me. Talking with Chuck, and seeing how in 20 years he has more life than I will in 40, made me realize how valuable each day is because in each day we have only one guarantee…that there are no guarantees.

Talking with Chuck moved me to made my life’s progression a priority and I plan to keep Chuck in the forefront of my mind because his story is by far the sole reason I seek change in myself and in my environment.

M.C. Davis

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful

One day you’ll look up
and not see
my intense hold on you. In fact,
you’ll look up and not
even see my semi-chocolate
impression on the bedspread.
In fact, you’ll stand tall
in knowing that
my life has resumed
and the chills that come
afterwards has now limited its
reach. What I’m saying
is that my time with you
is up and your day with
me has made its last
stand and if anything,
you belong over there
and I over here. So, don’t hate
me because I’m beautiful
and I won’t hate you
for not understanding
our distance. It is in
this understanding that
we’ll make the most
progress towards
a beautiful
friendship.

M.C. Davis