You Never Miss It Until It’s Gone

Last night, I found myself.

It was probably the most difficult and most heartbreaking experience I have ever had to endure that left me not only speechless and cold, but far removed from what my priorites were and the true faith that has kept be above water for such a long time. The experience wasn’t a foreign language or unfamiliar to the touch, but the potential damage to who I am as a person, could have left me unrepairable, immobilized, and stuck in a dark place where perhaps even my own connection with myself…well, I won’t go on but what I will say is that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being such a selfish prick in forgetting about our priorities and I’m sorry for being the guy who only thinks of what’s important to him in spite of all the great things surrounding him. I’m sorry for not trusting you and automatically putting in you in a shell and I’m sorry for not giving you the benefit of the doubt when you most needed it. I’m also sorry for allowing you to think that my friendship with you is transparent and of the “here today, gone tomorrow” mindset.

If it were not for y0u, I wouldn’t understand the truth in friendship because in my own stupidity, I trampled on your trust and your faith and for that, I can only say I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for making the mistake in thinking for you when I should have been a better listener and allowed you to speak for yourself. I’m sorry for taking a minor infraction in our friendship and using that as an excuse to bail on what we worked so hard for. I’m sorry for taking our friendship for granite and if anything, I only ask for your forgiveness and in our new start, we’ll be a much stronger and formidable team because we have each other.

This I swear to you. 

I’m sorry for making both of us mixed up with sadness and anger and thinking that things we indeed your fault, and for making us come to a point where the conversations are trivial and heartless and without the soul that we are used to. I’m sorry for taking advatantage of your vulnerabilities and in your softness because Lord knows deep inside, I was even further removed from what our mission is as friends. I’m sorry for not trusting you to trust us, and I know in my heart that our friendship was never built on quicksand and for this, I only think of what I could have lost if this road continued for me.

I’m sorry for just being stupid and not recognizing the layering we have as friends and the connection we have created these years and truly, truly, truly, you are by far the best thing that has happened to me as a friend. You must belive that in spite of our situation. I’m sorry for being sorry because we shouldn’t have that conversation last night and I shouldn’t have tried to avoid talking with you and we should have hugged that night we argued instead of opening the door and not looking back. This is who we are and this is what we should have fought for.

I’m sorry for being a jerk and making you feel like you have to change because we have never made our friendship like that, and we probably have more freedom in our friendship than perhaps the United States of America has. It’s dear to me and I don’t want us to make amends for something so special and so right for us. I’m sorry for questioning your judgement and for making you feel small and not worthy. It is I who is not worthy to be your friend and in saying that, I will make a solemn pledge to you that my connection to you will go unwavered from this moment on.

I love you, and I’m sorry for not being the Mike Davis that has always loved you.

M.C. Davis

Gobble Gobble!

Some say that the best times with good friends usually include either a beverage, a dish, or perhaps both. I believe in the simple logic in how friendships start and ultimately become intrinsically metamorphic. In my own experiences, the art of friendship has ultimately nothing to do with the characters involved but instead how much investment is made at the most vulnerable times. The moody swings of how we endure life often is softened by the reminder that we are not alone and that our friendships with loved ones provide much more realism as to why we are here and what we are supposed to do within our decisions.

I was reminded of this on Turkey Day.

As we sat around an intimate and dimly lit table, I suddenly realized that my life, for what it’s worth, is very simple and my relationships are vibrant and full of the strangest characteristics. The soulful food prepared by warm and genuine hands, the drinks carefully poured into eager glasses, and the stories and connections by far made more sense yesterday than perhaps my entire life’s worth of sharing with friends. Now, and before I get too ahead of myself, my friends are deep and wide and by no means do I mean to sound like my friends during this particular Thanksgiving dinner made the top pick of my litter. My dear friend Laura mentioned that I am a “collector of friends” and what sounded like I only enjoy the numbers game, she clarified.

“Mike,” she said, “you collect friends the same way a coin collector collects rare coins, or an archeologist seeks out fossilized bones.” You enjoy the rarest and most qualified of friendships and to be honest, I’m proud to have you as a friend.”

Darn, where was she when I was not paying all of my bills on time and avoiding phone calls from creditors or losing connections left and right with solid people over my own inadequacies; or better yet, finding myself becoming a recluse and spending too much time online looking for love in all the wrong places. Where was she when I was fighting with my parents over my own internal issues, or joining the Navy just to leave a bruised and shattered home life, or perhaps when my mind was into too much darkness and forcibly and irrevocably leading me down a suicidal path.

Yes, where was she back then?

Having said that, I will say that my life yesterday meant so much in the sense of how I take in each day and how my own perspective changes with each person that changes or influences my life. Yesterday’s dinner (and subsequent nap), made me feel solid and within my own periphery of what is real good for me.

Thank you Dave, OD, Jen, and Troy for making me feel like my progress in life is something to be envied and if anything, a life to be lifted up and shared for the willing.

M.C. Davis